2 Waste or Save 浪费还是节约 82
3 Goldfish 金鱼 83
4 So Downcast 如此沮丧 83
5 A Birthday Present 生日礼物 84
6 The Lucky Cat 幸运猫 84
7 A Good Example 一个好例子 85
8 My Car Is Under 18 车未满18岁 85
9 Bring the Hole in the House 把坑带到屋里来 86
10 Birthday Present 生日礼物 86
11 Regret 后悔 87
12 A Slower Group 慢班 88
13 I Can Not See It At All 我根本就看不见 88
14 To Open the Door 开门 89
15 Pretend 伪装 90
16 A Trip to Disney 迪斯尼之旅 90
17 Imitation 模仿 91
18 Keep the Change 不用找了 92
19 At the Same Age 在相同的年纪时 92
20 Church Manners 教堂礼貌 93
21 Confusion 思维混乱 94
22 I’m Going to Use It Later 我还要用 95
23 It’s His Fault 是他的错 96
24 Baby Bird 雏鸟 97
25 God’s Scrabble Game 上帝的拼字游戏 98
26 The Stories Are Still in Them 故事都在里面 99
27 Where 's My Booger 我的鼻涕呢 100
28 Leaving the Bad Ones 留下坏的 101
29 Son Wears Father’s Clothes 子穿父装 102
30 A Useful Lesson 有用的经验 103
31 He Walks Everywhere He Goes 耶稣从不开车 104
32 One Place Ahead 前进一名 106
33 Follow One’s Father 效仿老爸 107
34 Violin Lessons 小提琴课 109
第五章　巧言圆场
1 Done Anything 什么也没干 114
2 Not Bad 不错 114
3 Is It a Good Way 是好办法吗 115
4 Why Men Go First 为什么男人先走 115
5 Just Great 进展不错 116
6 A Witty Retort 聪明的反击 116
7 Boxing and Running 拳击和逃跑 117
8 No Sense in Putting a Roof on an Empty Barn 空谷仓上不必盖屋顶 117
9 My Violin Never Drinks Tea 我的提琴从不喝茶 118
10 Which End of Fork 哪一头 119
11 Tell a False 说假话 119
12 The Power of Your Picture 照片的力量 120
13 Lady and Gentleman 女士和绅士 121
14 Good Morning，Garden Cemetery 早上好，这里是花园墓地 121
15 It’s Rather Personal 这太私人了 122
16 Front and Back 正面背面 123
17 How Rich You Are 你们真有钱 123
18 The Only Instance 唯一一次 124
19 A Few Tips 小贴士 125
20 The General Theory of Relativity 爱因斯坦的相对论 126
21 No Need to See a Doctor 不必看医生 126
22 Making up Stories 虚构的故事 127
23 The Difference Between Man and Woman 男女有别 128
24 Big Game Mishap 捕猎中的意外 129
25 So Easy 太简单 130
26 Sometimes 有时 132
27 Lady and Elephant 女士和大象 133
28 Put Your Tongue Out Again 再伸一下舌头 134
第六章　出人意料
1 One or Two 一还是二 138
2 Absence 缺考 138
3 Otherwise 否则 139
4 Blend Coffee 调制咖啡 139
5 Waiting 等待 140
6 Is It Helped You 这对你有帮助吗 140
7 Sixteen 十六 141
8 Good Thing He Has You 有你教他真好 141
9 Bedtime Prayers 睡前祷告 142
10 Aunt Hattie 海蒂姑妈 143
11 Three Dogs 三只狗 143
12 Homework 作业 144
13 That Was a Hard Pull 爬山真费劲 145
14 The Dog Doesn’t Know 狗不知道 145
15 Looking for the Perfect 追寻完美 146
16 Hunt 打猎 147
17 Installing a Carpet 铺地毯 148
18 I’m an Undertaker 我是殡仪馆的 149
19 Hair Cut 理发 150
20 Mafia’s Kid 黑手党的孩子 151
21 Looking for My Husband 找丈夫 152
22 Pistol 手枪 153
23 One Less Lawyer 又少一个律师 154
24 Poor Eyesight 视力很差 155
25 The Reason Behind It 原来如此 157
26 Guess the Present 猜礼物 158
27 I’m George 我是乔治 160
第七章　嘲弄VS自嘲
1 Millionaire 百万富翁 164
2 Bulb 灯泡 164
3 Half Price 半价 165
4 Car Repairing 修车 165
5 Former Wife 前妻 165
6 Who Are Crooks 谁是骗子 166
7 That Was an Echo 那是回声 166
8 Honest 诚实 167
9 My Wife Will Exchange Them Tomorrow 反正我太太明天会来换的 168
10 The Same Thing 同样的事 168
11 You Have My Shopping Cart 你用了我的购物车 169
12 It’s Short of ＄700 少了七百美元 170
13 They Are Busy 他们很忙 170
14 Too Late 太晚了 172
15 Doctor’s Advice 医生的建议 172
16 Nonconformist 另类分子 173
17 But the Teacher Cried 可是老师哭了 174
18 Special Enclosure 特殊围栏 175
19 Lace 蕾丝 176
20 So Optimistic 如此乐观 177
21 Get Off 马上离开 178
22 A Pair of Slacks 裤子 180
23 I Haven’t Got a Penny 身无分文 181
24 They Are Still Damp! 床单还潮着哩! 182
25 Drunk and Arthritis 醉鬼与关节炎 183
26 Encore 再来一遍 185
27 Which One to Marry 娶哪一位 186
28 Ten Dollars 十美元 187
29 A Little Old Lady 小老太太 189
30 Stages of Being Drunk 喝醉的五个阶段 191

幽默英文:交给我你就不用放心了 节选

　　**章　动物也疯狂　　1 So Fast　　When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle.　　Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident.　　“I really can’t remember. ”the snail replied,“You see, it all happened so fast. ”　　太快了　　一个蜗牛过马路，被一个乌龟从身上轧过。在急救室里它恢复了知觉，有人问它事故 是怎样发生的。　　“我真的记不起来了，”蜗牛回答说。“你瞧，一切发生得都太快了。”　　2 The Clever Dog　　A little boy was practicing his violin, while his father sat reading the newspaper.　　The family dog began to howl along dismally. Finally, the father could endure the combination no more and said,“Can’t you play something the　　dog doesn’t know？”　　聪明的狗　　一个小男孩在练习小提琴，他的父亲在读报纸。随着小男孩的琴声，家里养的狗也开始高一声低一声地叫起来。*后，小男孩的父亲实在忍不下去了，说：“难道你就不能拉一些狗听不懂的曲子吗？”　　3 Three Dollars　　A dog owner claimed that his pet, when given money, would go to the news stall to buy a newspaper. His friend insisted on a demonstration and handed the dog some money. The dog trotted off, but an hour later, he had still not returned with the paper.　　“How much did you give him？ ”asked the owner.　　“Three dollars.”　　“Well, that explains it. When you give him three dollars, he goes to a movie.”　　三元　　一位养狗人声称，要是给他的爱犬一些钱，它便会到卖报亭买份报纸来。他的朋友坚 持要来个演示，并给了狗一些钱。狗一溜小跑着去了。但一个小时过去了，仍不见它带报 纸回来。　　“你给了它多少钱？”狗的主人问。　　“三元。”　　“这就是了。你给它三元钱时，它就会去看电影。”　　4 The Parrot　　A man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.　　“We have three.”says the clerk,“This blue one speaks four languages and costs $100, and the red parrot knows six languages and costs $200. The orange one over there costs $300, but doesn’t talk at all.”　　“Three thousand!”exclaims the man,“How come so much？”　　“Well, ”the clerk goes on,“we don’t know what he does, but the other two call him‘boss’. ”　　鹦鹉　　一个人去宠物店买鹦鹉。　　“我们有三只。”店员说，“这只蓝色的会说四种语言，价值100美元；这只红色的 懂六种语言，价值200美元；那只橙色的价值300美元，但什么话也不说。”　　“300元！”那人大声叫道，“怎么这么贵？”　　“噢，”店员接着说道，“我们也不知道为什么，但另两只鹦鹉都叫它‘老板’。”　　5 Three Mice　　Three mice walked into a pub. The first mouse bragged,“When　　I see a mousetrap, I set it off, and when the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench‐press it 20 times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese. ”　　The second mouse bragged,“Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I grind it up and add it to my coffee to build up my strength. ”　　The third mouse said,“Can’t stay long. I’ve got a date with a cat. ”　　三只老鼠　　三只老鼠走进了一家酒店。**只老鼠吹嘘说：“我看到捕老鼠器时，就把它弄开。 当铁栅栏落下时，我就用牙咬住它，上下推举20次，以此来激发我的食欲，然后带着奶酪 溜之大吉。”　　第二只老鼠夸口说：“我看见鼠药时，就把它嚼成碎末，然后加进我的咖啡，以此来 增加我的力量。”　　第三只老鼠说：“我不能久留。我和一只猫还有个约会呢。”　　6 A Drunken Cab　　A male crab asked a female crab to marry him.She noticed that he　　was walking straight instead of sideways.“Wow, ”she thought,“this　　crab is really special. I can’t let him get away.”So they got married　　immediately.　　The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset.“What happened？”she asked,“You used to walk straight before we married.”　　“Oh, honey, ”he replied,“I can’t drink that much every day.”　　喝醉的螃蟹　　一只公螃蟹向一只母螃蟹求婚。母螃蟹注意到，这只公螃蟹走路直着走，而不是横着 爬。“哇！”她心想，“这只螃蟹可真特别。我绝不能错过他。”于是他们立马结婚了。　　第二天，母螃蟹发现她的新婚老公竟然横着爬，与其他螃蟹没有什么两样，她很是沮丧。 “怎么回事？”她问道，“我们结婚前你是直着走路的。”　　“哦，亲爱的，”公螃蟹回答道，“我总不能每天都喝高吧。”　　……

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